MsPolkadots

Atonement
Last of mohicans
The Duchess

Musicals:
phantom
moulin rouge
chicago

December:

1. Devil water
2. Avalon
3. The Manual
4. Of human bondage
5. Circle of Friends
6. Love Machine
7.  

Presentations are just not my thing. I had everything well planned out, only to have it go wrong when it comes time to be most careful. I was nervous before even before it was close time to speaking in front of my audience. I wish I didn't offer to go first, as there were so many people coming in late. Doors slamming and other boisterous happenings really distracted me. I loose my place too often. I wish I would've just stuck to my original scripted speech instead of trying to think and speak as I went. Why was I reading so quickly? I didn't pace myself as well I would've liked. I planned on speaking for 7 mins and then I didn't. W/e. The only person I am disppointed in is myself. C prolly thinks I'm such a joke by now. :/

The more time I have to complete something, the less I am inclined to begin and complete a task. Procrastination always wins me over. I do it later. This approach is one which I always take and what always result is stressful. Yet, I can't seem to break the habit. My sociolgy paper is due on wednes the third and I have an appointment that day, meaning I have to miss class. Therefore, I miss out b/c the final for that class is the week after. I am going to the orthodontist to get my molds done for the invisalign. I'm hoping they won't do anything that will compromise my ability to speak normally since the next day I will be giving a presentation for one of my classes. It'll be a 7min long speech and I have 6 slides up. Hopefully, this will be enough and I will have covered everything thoroughly. The professor for this class is very critical and does not hold back anything even in the middle of someone's speech, which is what makes me so nervous. That and the fact that C is in the audience as well. I don't even like him but I still have feelings for him! Ridiculous. I can't forget about him. I try to but it's so hard b/c I keep running into him all the time.
So I have the paper and presentation left to do and I done for now. Of course, let's not forget that finals are next week. I have three finals and my other class there's no final or paper due either. Finally some slack for once.
I am getting so worried about finding a job and getting into grad school after graduation. I'm glad I have anothet year left till I graduate. What the hell am I going to do once after I graduate? I have no clue? And I have no one to run to it seems in order to help answer these questions. Can I just have a normal life? I wish life was easier sometimes but it can be a bore if there were no challenges to overcome but sometimes these challenges seem so informidible and I just want to give up and not even lift up a finger in order to try to tear them down. My solution? Fall into depression at times, read, or shut myself off from people. Then of course there's always the other option: binge eating followed by

( Thinness )

A wake up to the buzzing sound of my blackberry alarm. I thought I had only set it for MWF but apparently it's set for "daily." There is no option for selecting a particular day for alarms to go off. Options are either daily or weekends only. I like the option of having many choice to be irresolute about and in this case it's not possible.
About thanksgiving. The turkey was alright w/mashed potatoes, cranberry, corn, gravy, and celery/onions on the side. I still much prefer the honey smoked ham over this dry turkey any day. It's been a couple years since we decided to cook the turkey. Next for christmas maybe we will do the ham instead. Did I stuff myself full today? Not quite, well not untill 5 o'clocks anyway. God, I was doing so well and then I ruined every thing! I had enough turkey w/o be a glutton but then the brownie did it for me. I just couldn't hold myself back from its sweet, moist and velvety chewy texture. Dammit, so I exercised for 50min or so: JR and stationary bike. Tmr, exercise for 60+ min and I won't feel so guilty for indulging myself w/cake again. I have for days left to write my soc paper. I think I shall do the topic of charismatic authority since it seems more feasible compared w/ the other two types that max weber notes: traditional and legal-rational. How shall I appraoch axiom 3 by answering the question of how authority allows us to live ib one world? I don't think there is anything that I cannot do if I set my mind to it. Why do I find it so hard to not be pessimistic and self-deprecating? I wish I could just stop worrying and start living carefree for once. What would I do w/o this blackberry? It is one of my necessities. I woulf never leave home w/o it ever. Alays mist have it it in hand also. My eyes r so tired abd I can barely text nemore.
Out.

The next few days or so shall be hell. I have so much coming up. Just the thought of it induces a headache of some sort. I dragged my lazy ass to the library around 12:00 and did a bit of reading for Comm. At one point, my eyes just gave up on me. I could barely read because each line of word seemed to be jumping around the page. I am so tired. And so blah at the moment. New goal?
Write every day. I want to improve my writing from the basic fact writing, past analytical to creative writing. Long way to go but if I practice and can improve a bit right?

Iam so sleepy right now. Still reading through singer's "One world" which is a bit dry at times and nothing really new. Today I had the day off b/c comm was cancelled as the prf was out of town. Tmr is fri already. This week sure went by fast comapared to last wkn which eternal. Yday I went to the dentist and they decided that I would be a candidate for invislgn. I very much excited about it. Will prolly be on for two years they told me. Which is alright. I'm just concerned w/ the composite pieces they'll put on my teeth in the front b/c it is a bit visible.

Finally  a day off from school for once. I spent most of the morning finishing up the abstract paper for Comm. All together the time I spent on that was ridiculous. The article itself was 20+ pages. I had to take notes and then go back and reword, and of course revise, revise, revise! Then as I e-mailed it to my professor, I forgot the most important thing that he mentioned: do not send as attachment. That's exactly what I did but thankfully I realized my mistake and after three mins I sent it in the body of the email. Why is it that the more careful we are, the more prone we are to making a mistake? This seems to happen a lot. Like every time I write with a marker and I tell myself that I'll be extra meticulous, only to have that all go down the gutters. I end up outlining things in pencil first and then afterwards drawing over it with a marker.
So more later.

The earlier awake, the more damage done. On Saturdays, the routine is to wake up half refreshed from a long tiresome week of classes, followed by procrastination techniques. A number of which I employ, including the most trite one: binge-eating. I don't know why I keep doing it on weekends for. During the week, I wield some control. On the weekends, however, it's a whole different story. I'm not exercising my "species being", as what Marx would term my primitive need for food. In this case it's not only the need to suppress hunger that is the underlining problem. It's more complicated than that. The very issue is the same one that lends support to most other excuses I have for not doing something. I worry. That's it there. Plan and simple in English. Worrisome. I have much to do but I do not know where to start. As a result, I keep chewing to help deal with these catastrophic cognitions. Instead of relying on food as my compulsions to decrease these obsessions of worrisome, I will in the future rely of channeling these to some other task which is more productive. In other words, sublimation is the key. I shall, keep myself busy with something else, like reading say in order to not worry. Finally to worry, meaning I won't eat as much and lose the sense of controllabitlity when it comes to not overeating.
Sometimes it can be easy to resist. On most occasions, that is not easily done. I have to tear myself away at times. My family does not help either. They tempt me with some irresistible delicacies: cakes, pastries, and all other sorts of sweets that they know for a fact that I can hardly resist even if I tried desperately not to eat.
Tomorrow is another day. Another chance to change my eating habits. To not overeat. Please let me be okay. I can do this. I know I can.
In the mean time, I need to go and study for my exam on Monday for Sociology. Why would you place an exam on a freakin mon.? So nice of the professor to do that. How well she anticipates her students' productivity levels spike in the morning. Oh, but not to worry you see I have a secret trick. That would be coffee of course. What would I do w/o my regular caffeine fix? I would die obviously. I could maybe go for a day or two w/o it but I could never do without it for a week or more. Now that's just crazy talk. 
-Kati

Gillardeau

China, a country where one has no basic human rights has again been meet up reproach from foreign markets. While its evolving industry of milk has proved to be week, its Communist government has taken means to alert the public in hopes of preserving the placidity among its people, which already has long been chaotic. This "awareness" is not a new approach taken up by the Chinese government. In the past, when the scare of Avian flu circulated around the country, citizens were warned and encouraged to wear masks to decrease their inhalation of contaminted air. While this in the very least helpful, the government has not yet come to address the main issue here: its citizens. It has shown to have little care in taking measures to alert its citizens before something occurs. The tacit knowledge that Chinese officials hold do not get passed on or disclose to members of the community. Knowledge is not something that should be shared as a collective whole level. As communisim entails an "equal" distribution, the chinese officials seem to talk the talk but do not walk the talk.
  Melamine levels in milk and eggs have been founded to be over the limit that is deemed safe, according to International exporting standards. As mentioned earlier, this illustrates just one instance in which the Chinese government has possessed knowledge but has chosen not to disclose it. In hopes of solving the problem themselves, the clandestine government has failed to alert its people prior to the first few cases of infant death resulting from kidney stones. The hush-hush policy it adopts has proven to back-fire. With allegations from politicians that the Chinese government is seeking to weaken world economies by first attacking its force of people, chinese officials have responded with open-mindedness in approaches to resolve the issue of melamine. It may come as a surprise to many around the world but to the Chinese government, the issue of melamine is not one that is new. Cases of melamine deaths have been distorted, as are statistics which undermine the devastating effects of the chemical. In which case, these distortions have served as a way for the Chinese dairy industries to keep up sales of their products.

So things have slowed down a bit w/C. I don't like him as much as I thought. Why do I always become dissuaded as I get past the knowing-ou stage? Boring.

School has been busy-bsuy. I'm taking 3 courses and one course in which I'm supposed to attend weekly lab meetings and work for 4 hours a week. Research experience is a definite plus for my resume...speaking of which i really need to work on developing a resume!

A revelation takes place. I am in love...for once...maybe? He is...I like him...A LOT.
He is smart and seems really caring.
Match. Witty and intelligent...Funny...not so much but cute? Yes. Tall too. 6 ft. A definite plus.

Another summer has come and gone. It seems so short like always. I'm a senior this year! I cannot believe it but I'd better. It's great and saddening at times. My journey through college years is almost over, well that is undergraduate anyways. I havn't even made one friend, except TN  since these College years. I feel so alone. But I feel okay. I havnt met any guy b/c yes, i' mstill committment phobic and picky.
I'm starting research position this fall also and I'm taking a bunch of communication and a business manangement course. They're all electives. I don't want to drop anything.

CDs to get:
-Michael Feinstein (jazz)
-Nichole Nordeman
-One Republic
-Eva Cassidy
-Vioilin/Cello
-Chris botti?

I have never felt so alone. Morose, scared and most of the time I'm feeling phlegmatic to all the things happening around me. I feel incomplete. What is wrong with me? Summer vacation is over in about two & a half weeks! What did I get done? Nothing. Absolutely freakin nothing! Okay so i did get my citizenship, permit and right now I'm going through driving school lessons. Tomorrow will be my 2nd day. After this I am done. This week I'm killing two birds with one stone: crossing the consultation appointment off with my dentist and then of course hopefully becoming a better driver so that I can book my driving test asap before school begins.
I guess I'm sort of satisfied with being a size 2 sometimes and then maybe again I am not. Oh god it's a circular mad cycle that ceases to ever end! I can never be happy with what I have! Okay weight issues don't count. But why can't I learn to be happy and satisfied with what I have? I should be grateful for everything...I have a family, although a dysfunctional one that is and also I have a pet: dog who is very strange to the point where she's facetious. Of course there's always retial therapy...which I dont find so ehteruputic anymore. I felt like I'm at the point in life where I'm having a "mid" life crisis and I'm trying desperately to figure out who I am and what my tru calling is. I love this one day and then the next I don't. it seems like I have so many options open and then again it looks at if it's so limited and my time is drawing in near a close every moment as I sit and think, trying to reflect upon my life and what I should be doing in the near future. What are my goals? ambitions? dreams?
Sometimes I think I know, sometimes it's just plain tricky b/c I feel hopeless and fall into a bottomless pit of pessimism. I wish I could bounce back and be as resilient as some of my friends. But the thing is I can't. My problem...is that I'm tentative. I have an irresolute tendency and can't give 100% into anything because of this precarious stance on a goal or issue. There is always a dearth of patience that accompanies such imbroglios also.
Thank god for my love of reading: only thing keeping me sane. My escape into a chimerical happiness and for just a moment in time I can be care-free. 
I love the sea...the waves cascading as they hit the ocean rocks and pebbles. The clear and coolness of the cerulean hue that brings a calmness to my eyes.
I miss summer days in which relaxing was an option and long days where evenings could be spent having fun with friends....
I miss my happy....chill-out days with my girlfriends.

Sunday
B- coffee w/cream
L
D
Workout-

Key people to remember?
Camille
Joannie

CW:117 lbs


Sunday
Some pizza, tea, rice (a lot!), pasta w/cheese, meatballs.
Workout: -160? JR + Bike

Monday
B- tea, noodles w/soy sauce, spicey chicken, cauliflower
L- a banana, some PB
D- cheetossss!, 1 cookie (160 cal), tea
Workout- JR 30+ min

GOAL WEIGHT: 105 LBS

6/19     119 lbs
7/18     116 ish?
So pathetic!!

It was so unlike me today! I couldn't help but say something to this wicked hot guy. He was the cashier. I was in line forever so yea I got a pretty good look at him. lol Oh and there was this other guy who was even hotter who also worked there. He gave me a second glance. lol. So I said his name with the 'thanks' after he handed me the receipt. His reaction was a little taken back: "A chick said my name." Again, I couldn't help but chuckle at that and his mixup w/the cantaloupe and honey-dew melon earlier. Oh and his "This cake looks delicious."  Honey, you look delicious. His appearance gives a air of intellect and wittyness. He wears glasses. Suprise, surprise I was very attracted to him alright. 
What I learned about myself from this? Oh yea, I can be spontaneous and flirty at times. lol. I was so ready to jump his bones right there. Ok, so I'm only kidding! I've only felt this such desire a couple of times in my life. This was one of the moments I'll never forget. He made me laugh a couple of times in such a short amount of time. I felt that we had a connection even if it was as brief as it was. I'll never forget you, Noah. Now I love that name.