MsPolkadots

Atonement
Last of mohicans
The Duchess

Musicals:
phantom
moulin rouge
chicago

December:

1. Devil water
2. Avalon
3. The Manual
4. Of human bondage
5. Circle of Friends
6. Love Machine
7.  

Presentations are just not my thing. I had everything well planned out, only to have it go wrong when it comes time to be most careful. I was nervous before even before it was close time to speaking in front of my audience. I wish I didn't offer to go first, as there were so many people coming in late. Doors slamming and other boisterous happenings really distracted me. I loose my place too often. I wish I would've just stuck to my original scripted speech instead of trying to think and speak as I went. Why was I reading so quickly? I didn't pace myself as well I would've liked. I planned on speaking for 7 mins and then I didn't. W/e. The only person I am disppointed in is myself. C prolly thinks I'm such a joke by now. :/

The more time I have to complete something, the less I am inclined to begin and complete a task. Procrastination always wins me over. I do it later. This approach is one which I always take and what always result is stressful. Yet, I can't seem to break the habit. My sociolgy paper is due on wednes the third and I have an appointment that day, meaning I have to miss class. Therefore, I miss out b/c the final for that class is the week after. I am going to the orthodontist to get my molds done for the invisalign. I'm hoping they won't do anything that will compromise my ability to speak normally since the next day I will be giving a presentation for one of my classes. It'll be a 7min long speech and I have 6 slides up. Hopefully, this will be enough and I will have covered everything thoroughly. The professor for this class is very critical and does not hold back anything even in the middle of someone's speech, which is what makes me so nervous. That and the fact that C is in the audience as well. I don't even like him but I still have feelings for him! Ridiculous. I can't forget about him. I try to but it's so hard b/c I keep running into him all the time.
So I have the paper and presentation left to do and I done for now. Of course, let's not forget that finals are next week. I have three finals and my other class there's no final or paper due either. Finally some slack for once.
I am getting so worried about finding a job and getting into grad school after graduation. I'm glad I have anothet year left till I graduate. What the hell am I going to do once after I graduate? I have no clue? And I have no one to run to it seems in order to help answer these questions. Can I just have a normal life? I wish life was easier sometimes but it can be a bore if there were no challenges to overcome but sometimes these challenges seem so informidible and I just want to give up and not even lift up a finger in order to try to tear them down. My solution? Fall into depression at times, read, or shut myself off from people. Then of course there's always the other option: binge eating followed by

( Thinness )

A wake up to the buzzing sound of my blackberry alarm. I thought I had only set it for MWF but apparently it's set for "daily." There is no option for selecting a particular day for alarms to go off. Options are either daily or weekends only. I like the option of having many choice to be irresolute about and in this case it's not possible.
About thanksgiving. The turkey was alright w/mashed potatoes, cranberry, corn, gravy, and celery/onions on the side. I still much prefer the honey smoked ham over this dry turkey any day. It's been a couple years since we decided to cook the turkey. Next for christmas maybe we will do the ham instead. Did I stuff myself full today? Not quite, well not untill 5 o'clocks anyway. God, I was doing so well and then I ruined every thing! I had enough turkey w/o be a glutton but then the brownie did it for me. I just couldn't hold myself back from its sweet, moist and velvety chewy texture. Dammit, so I exercised for 50min or so: JR and stationary bike. Tmr, exercise for 60+ min and I won't feel so guilty for indulging myself w/cake again. I have for days left to write my soc paper. I think I shall do the topic of charismatic authority since it seems more feasible compared w/ the other two types that max weber notes: traditional and legal-rational. How shall I appraoch axiom 3 by answering the question of how authority allows us to live ib one world? I don't think there is anything that I cannot do if I set my mind to it. Why do I find it so hard to not be pessimistic and self-deprecating? I wish I could just stop worrying and start living carefree for once. What would I do w/o this blackberry? It is one of my necessities. I woulf never leave home w/o it ever. Alays mist have it it in hand also. My eyes r so tired abd I can barely text nemore.
Out.

The next few days or so shall be hell. I have so much coming up. Just the thought of it induces a headache of some sort. I dragged my lazy ass to the library around 12:00 and did a bit of reading for Comm. At one point, my eyes just gave up on me. I could barely read because each line of word seemed to be jumping around the page. I am so tired. And so blah at the moment. New goal?
Write every day. I want to improve my writing from the basic fact writing, past analytical to creative writing. Long way to go but if I practice and can improve a bit right?

Iam so sleepy right now. Still reading through singer's "One world" which is a bit dry at times and nothing really new. Today I had the day off b/c comm was cancelled as the prf was out of town. Tmr is fri already. This week sure went by fast comapared to last wkn which eternal. Yday I went to the dentist and they decided that I would be a candidate for invislgn. I very much excited about it. Will prolly be on for two years they told me. Which is alright. I'm just concerned w/ the composite pieces they'll put on my teeth in the front b/c it is a bit visible.

Finally  a day off from school for once. I spent most of the morning finishing up the abstract paper for Comm. All together the time I spent on that was ridiculous. The article itself was 20+ pages. I had to take notes and then go back and reword, and of course revise, revise, revise! Then as I e-mailed it to my professor, I forgot the most important thing that he mentioned: do not send as attachment. That's exactly what I did but thankfully I realized my mistake and after three mins I sent it in the body of the email. Why is it that the more careful we are, the more prone we are to making a mistake? This seems to happen a lot. Like every time I write with a marker and I tell myself that I'll be extra meticulous, only to have that all go down the gutters. I end up outlining things in pencil first and then afterwards drawing over it with a marker.
So more later.

The earlier awake, the more damage done. On Saturdays, the routine is to wake up half refreshed from a long tiresome week of classes, followed by procrastination techniques. A number of which I employ, including the most trite one: binge-eating. I don't know why I keep doing it on weekends for. During the week, I wield some control. On the weekends, however, it's a whole different story. I'm not exercising my "species being", as what Marx would term my primitive need for food. In this case it's not only the need to suppress hunger that is the underlining problem. It's more complicated than that. The very issue is the same one that lends support to most other excuses I have for not doing something. I worry. That's it there. Plan and simple in English. Worrisome. I have much to do but I do not know where to start. As a result, I keep chewing to help deal with these catastrophic cognitions. Instead of relying on food as my compulsions to decrease these obsessions of worrisome, I will in the future rely of channeling these to some other task which is more productive. In other words, sublimation is the key. I shall, keep myself busy with something else, like reading say in order to not worry. Finally to worry, meaning I won't eat as much and lose the sense of controllabitlity when it comes to not overeating.
Sometimes it can be easy to resist. On most occasions, that is not easily done. I have to tear myself away at times. My family does not help either. They tempt me with some irresistible delicacies: cakes, pastries, and all other sorts of sweets that they know for a fact that I can hardly resist even if I tried desperately not to eat.
Tomorrow is another day. Another chance to change my eating habits. To not overeat. Please let me be okay. I can do this. I know I can.
In the mean time, I need to go and study for my exam on Monday for Sociology. Why would you place an exam on a freakin mon.? So nice of the professor to do that. How well she anticipates her students' productivity levels spike in the morning. Oh, but not to worry you see I have a secret trick. That would be coffee of course. What would I do w/o my regular caffeine fix? I would die obviously. I could maybe go for a day or two w/o it but I could never do without it for a week or more. Now that's just crazy talk. 
-Kati